Even when you’re having sex… and especially when you’re not… intimacy can be a struggle for most couples. That’s why I’ve come up with some suggestions to help you have a more intimate relationship. Here they are:
Spend more time together
This may seem obvious, but many couples have forgotten that early on in their relationship, they spent LOTS of time together. What happens over time is that you have kids and careers and other responsibilities and the time you do spend together is mostly functional. Meaning, not intimate and sexual.
And when couples do spend time alone together, they’re looking at their smartphones or multi-tasking. So, basically, being in the same room, but not really spending quality time together.
That’s why I recommend doing less because it’s hard to ignore all the demands on your time and just relax and spend time with your partner. Time together doesn’t have to mean sex, but if you never spend quality time together outside of sex either, then trying to achieve intimacy during sex is going to be that much harder.
Here’s what you can do: Carve out a few hours each week to be alone with each other with no other distractions. It could be a date night, going for a walk, spending time at a museum or even shopping together. For whatever bizarre reason, my husband seems to enjoy grocery shopping. As much as I’m a foodie, love to cook and want only fresh ingredients to cook with, I HATE grocery shopping. But I don’t mind it as much if he drives, keeps me company and brings in all the groceries. And he wants to do it with me, so why not?
Talk to each other
Yep, obvious point number two, and yet still forgotten. Couples think they’re talking plenty, but again, it’s about functional stuff.
Lovers talk about their relationship and their interests.
They talk about what they’re going to do together and when they’re going to do it. They discuss how great last night’s sex was and what they enjoyed about it. They also talk about things that they’re excited about in their lives. Be it a new job, a new career or something that they’ve learned. Basically, they talk about what they’re interested in, personally. Not about the kids, the house or the bills.
Here’s what you can do: If you’re at a loss as to what to talk about, then try new things in your life so that you’ll have new things to talk about. For instance, I devour books on health and sex and I share my knowledge and excitement over the things I’ve learned. Of course, we can both benefit from my “research”, but whether you’re sharing something you’ve learned or sharing your opinion about something, you’re still sharing and having a consistent dialogue with one another.
You can’t be intimate if you can’t be yourself.
In order to have an intimate relationship, you have to let go, be vulnerable and open up to your man on the deepest level. This would be impossible to do if you are trying to conceal who you really are. When we behave in a way that’s not congruent with who we are then there will always be a fear of being “found out.” Not only would that be stressful, but it would create resentment over time. And, I imagine, exhausting. Which is why you just want to be yourself.
Here’s what you can do: Trust that you’re ENOUGH… because you are. You may think that you’re not thin enough, pretty enough or sexy enough. You are. You may also believe that you have to earn love. You don’t.
True love is unconditional.
That means it’s not contingent upon you doing or being anything other than yourself. Just be yourself.
READ: 10 Qualities Of A Sexually Confident Woman
Use the power of touch
Humans respond to touch. In fact, we crave and need touch. Which is why when you’re not having sex… the most intimate form of physical connection you can have with your partner… you’ll feel empty. You may not think you feel empty but if you fill yourself up with food, alcohol, material things, or even just being busy, you’re trying to fill a void.
But notwithstanding sex, if you have a relationship that doesn’t include much physical touch, you will feel lonely and undesirable.
Touch can include anything from a hug to holding hands, to giving each other a massage.
Whether it’s a sensual massage or a non-sensual one, giving and/or receiving physical pleasure is an intimate gesture.
Here’s what you can do: Offer to give your husband a massage. It could be a shoulder rub, a scalp massage or even a penis massage. If he’s the one that needs to relax and unwind in order to want sex, then this can get you the intimacy that you want. If you’re the one that needs to be turned on, then ask him to give you a massage. When you focus on the pleasure and start to relax into your body, you’ll be more open to the possibility of having sex.
If you want more pleasure ideas…
This may seem unromantic and lacking in passion, but I can assure you that not having sex, is even less so. When you first get together, everything is new and exciting, and sex comes more naturally. But over time, as with anything else that we want to keep doing, it requires some effort. I often say,
If you don’t make sex a priority, it won’t get done and neither will you!
Here’s what you can do: Schedule sex. If you want to make something a priority, you need to schedule it. If you balk at the idea of scheduling sex, ask yourself why. Do you not set aside time to do a workout? Would it happen if you didn’t? There’s nothing wrong with allocating time in advance and in fact, there are many benefits. For instance, you can plan your day so that you’re not exhausted that evening. You may also want to have certain things done and out of the way so that you’re able to relax and enjoy sex. (see more below)
Be playful with each other
Do you flirt or create anticipation for sex?
Another benefit of knowing when you’ll be having sex is that you can get excited about it. It can be something to look forward to. After 30 years of being with my husband, I still get butterflies in anticipation of sex. Not because I’m nervous, but because I’m looking forward to it. And I’ll often text him with a reminder and a sexual comment. I may also put in a “request” or tell him exactly what I’d like.
Do you have fun when you’re having sex?
Sex isn’t meant to be serious. It’s meant to be playful and pleasurable. I will often say something funny during sex and make my husband laugh. I’m a totally serious person, but when it comes to sex, I’m a lot more fun.
Here’s what you can do: Lighten up. To have a good time, you need to treat it like playtime. Play with each other.
Relax during sex
Most women are having sex while thinking about other things. It’s hard not to when you consider how much stuff we have to do. Which is why I suggest that women do less. For a woman to fully relax into her body and enjoy sex, she has to get out of her head and stop thinking about all the things she has to do.
Doing less and enjoying more is a fundamental lesson that women must learn in order to have a better sex life.
Trying to fix your sex life while continuing to do everything you already do is not going to work. I don’t care what information you get to improve your sex life, if you don’t allow more time for relaxation, spending time in nature, spending time alone with yourself, time for doing pleasurable things and time for having sex, then the information is going to be useless.
You can’t be present when you’re distracted. And it’s hard not to be distracted when you have too much on your plate.
Here’s what you can do: Check out this blog…
Slow down during sex
Slow sex is the most intimate sex you can have.
It allows you to savour sex and each other.
If you allow men to set the pace during sex, you could blink, and it would all be over. I’m not taking a shot at men here, but men are more goal-oriented and so the “goal” is their orgasm and hopefully yours too. However, it’s not supposed to be a race, otherwise, nobody wins.
If sex is over too soon, the woman will be dissatisfied and will justifiably not want to sign up for that again. And the man will have missed out on his opportunity to connect with you on this intimate level.
Make no mistake. Men want intimacy.
They just have no idea how to get it. Well, they know that sex is the road to take, but they drive too fast getting to their “destination.”
Here’s what you can do: #1. Set aside hours to have sex, not just minutes. #2. Verbally remind him to slow down. #3. Physically slow him down. You do this by slowing yourself down: If you’re in a hurry, he will sense that and come as fast as he can. If you’re too excited, he can sense that too, and come before he wants to, simply because he’s excited that you’re excited. Bottom line: Slow it down.
If you want more ideas regarding intimacy…
Photo Credit: stock.adobe.com/ elnariz