While I don’t believe in quick tips for improving your sex life… because they don’t address the underlying causes of an unsatisfactory sex life… if you’re having good sex and want to make it better, then here are some suggestions to add more passion:
If you’re not a big kisser during sex then you may be missing out on a simple way to ignite more passion into your lovemaking. The reason that kissing helps is that:
- You have to be having sex facing each other to do it. Not only is that more intimate, but the positions that enable this are more conducive to embracing each other as well.
- Kissing connects your mouths along with your genitals allowing the sexual energy to flow through both of you in a continuous loop.
- It can remind you of when you first got together and all you did was kiss each other.
- It can build up sexual tension if you start with this before moving onto lovemaking.
Oral sex on him
I think that so many women feel that giving oral sex to a man is for his benefit. Of course, he is getting something out of it, but if you’re doing it right, then so are you. And what I mean by doing it right is that you do it with the intention of turning yourself on.
That shift in perspective can make a huge difference from feeling like its a chore to providing pleasure for you. Because as soon as something is considered a chore, it’s not going to be a turn on.
But to make it a turn on for you, it has to be enjoyable. And for it to be enjoyable, it must meet what I call conditions for oral sex.
These likely include:
- Proper hygiene. If he wants oral sex, he has to make sure his genitals are as inviting as possible. If you have any issues here, speak up and tell him so. Men are not as easily insulted as women are and if he wants a blow job, then he’ll do what’s asked of him!
- Your comfort. That can include the position you’re in, the temperature of the room, how long, how deep, whether or not you swallow, and so forth.
- Doing it your way. Do not let porn dictate what oral sex should look like. If you like that, then, by all means, do that, but this isn’t about doing what you “think” oral sex should be like. It’s about doing what feels good to you. Ultimately, if you’re enjoying yourself, he’ll enjoy it too.
BOOK SUGGESTION: Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Ian Kerner
Giving attention to your breasts
Breasts are often ignored or given a cursory man-handling which does nothing to stimulate the woman. But the breasts are essential in helping a woman open up her heart as well as her body.
Unfortunately, men get their cues from pornography and are too rough with them at the start. Once a woman is aroused, gentle massage can increase to squeezing and sucking on the nipples can increase to gentle biting. But until then, he should start out with a gentle touch.
Breast play is an excellent way to slowly turn up the heat before sex.
When men fail to address the breasts first, or women don’t let men fondle their breasts, they’re both missing out on an essential ingredient in passionate sex.
I always suggest this as a way to relax and gently segue into sex, but it can create passion as well.
If you’re someone who needs to be enticed into sex but is willing once you start getting turned on, then have your partner give you a massage to get things going.
What I find with sensual massage is that if the partner giving the massage starts getting turned on by touching your body, it has the effect of turning you on because they’re turned on.
Also, massage allows one of you to give pleasure while the other receives it. It’s the gift of pleasure that creates a more loving environment as well as a passionate one.
Connecting with your sensuality
Sadly, I believe women are so disconnected from their sensuality that their libido is burning out because the pilot light that ignites it has gone out too.
To connect with your sensuality, you need to connect with pleasure. The more you do, the more sensual you will feel.
You need to engage all of your senses… as often as you can… and to as many things as you can.
When you understand that having passionate sex starts with tapping into your own sensuality, then you’ll make pleasure a daily priority.
Connecting with your body
Everyone is in their heads 24/7. Women more so than men because unlike men, who can focus on one thing at a time (to the exclusion of all else), women are easily distracted.
Great sex happens when we get out of our heads and into our bodies.
The problem women have is being able to do that. Which is why anything you do that allows you to better relate to your body is helpful.
Exercising with awareness. Self-pleasuring. Dancing. Getting a massage. Having a hot bath. These effectively get your mind off of your to-do list and onto how good your body feels.
A woman who delights in her own body will find it much easier to experience and express passion.
Being sexual when the feeling strikes
I often suggest that couples schedule sex so that time is set aside for it and sex happens when it otherwise might not. However, if you feel horny… and it’s not when sex is scheduled… then, by all means, go for it. Your spouse may not necessarily be in the mood, but then again, maybe he might and you won’t know unless you ask.
Just bear in mind that rejection is possible and not to take it personally.
It’s important to act on your sexual impulses and not stifle them.
Women do this all the time. A sexual thought comes into their head and they dismiss it. They feel like having sex but come up with a million reasons why they can’t have it right now.
Passion comes from surrendering to our impulses.
It’s not about controlling them or being politically correct. It’s about letting them overcome you.
Talking about sex
Having conversations about sex is a great way to keep the passion alive in your relationship. Just how watching others having sex can be a turn on, so can simply talking about it.
In fact, people having affairs talk about sex all the time. They talk about the sex they had, the sex they’re going to have, where they’ll have it, and so on.
It’s all about the sex.
If you have a hard time talking about sex in general, practice with a “sex buddy.” I often suggest having a close friend with whom you can converse about sex with. Think of it as exposure therapy.
Because if you can’t learn to get comfortable talking about sex, you’ll likely never be able to ask for what you want and even less likely to get it.
It’s one thing to talk about sex and another to talk during sex and to do so explicitly. I’m talking about the kind of language you wouldn’t want your parents to hear coming out of your mouth. LOL
It needn’t be something out of character for you, but you can certainly be vocal about what’s happening during sex and what you like about it.
Having sex is not a time to be shy, it’s a time to surrender to passion and free yourself of the shackles of society. It’s a time to be bold and confident in your sexuality.
Having sex somewhere other than your bed
The thing with always having sex in your bed is that it starts to get routine. You tend to get into the same few positions and then sex gets predictable. Of course, your bed is more comfortable and there’s a greater chance of privacy in your bedroom, but it’s stepping out of that comfort zone that can create more passion.
If you have kids, call in sick from work and have sex during the day when they’re in school.
If that’s not feasible, get away for the weekend together.
Vacations are the perfect opportunity to have sex in different places.
Expanding your orgasmic potential
Great sex isn’t just about having orgasms. However, if you’re going to have them, then have a variety of them.
Variety is the spice of life, right?
Most women rely on clitoral orgasms, or even vaginal orgasms (which are still stimulated by the clitoris), when there are plenty more orgasms to be had.
The nipples, the G-spot, the cervix and the anus can all provide exquisite orgasms.
But because these require more presence, more knowledge, more care, more openness, and more surrender, they’re often dismissed.
This is where putting more time, energy and attention towards your sex life can manifest in some earth-shattering sex. Not only is the final destination of experiencing these other orgasms worth the effort, but the journey getting to them is equally pleasurable.
Having slow sex
That may sound counterintuitive to passionate sex, but trust me that it’s not. Not all sex has to be “exciting.”
Sex is about connection.
Deep intimacy comes from long, drawn out, and deeply satisfying sex. When you have that kind of sex, you’ll want more of it! And when you want more of it, you’re more likely to ask for it.
Nothing is sexier than a woman who enjoys sex.
Don’t underestimate the importance of having deeply intimate sex as a way to stoke the fire of passion because…
Passion starts from within.
Photo Credit: stock.adobe.com/ Vasyl