Do you want more intimacy in your relationship? Most women do. That’s because they’re not getting the intimacy that they deserve and desire.
Unfortunately, they may be sabotaging their own ability to get it… and so may you!
Let me ask you…
Are you asking for what you want?
If so, are you open to receiving it?
Are you being intimate yourself?
Do you harbour resentment towards your spouse?
Are you turning down sex?
Depending on your answers, the intimacy blocks may be coming from you. The good news is that you can change that.
First, let me give you an analogy…
Intimacy is like swimming
Women are excellent swimmers because swimming comes naturally to them. Women are a passionate mix of feelings and emotions that ebb and flow like the waves in the ocean.
Men, on the other hand, are not so good at swimming. They can be afraid of the water because swimming isn’t something that comes naturally to them.
In fact, men are discouraged from swimming for most of their lives. Men aren’t taught how to express their emotions or how to be vulnerable with their feelings.
No wonder they aren’t great swimmers!
If they did manage to learn to swim, they may have been hurt in the past and have decided that swimming is not for them.
Back to you. Since you are a good swimmer, you think it’s easy. Why can’t he just swim like you do? The only problem is that he’s not you.
Men are not like women.
This is a fundamental truth that needs to be understood. Every time we expect men to think and behave as we do, we set ourselves up for frustration and disappointment.
You try to “teach” him how to swim, but you get impatient. You get upset with him because he’s such a poor swimmer, and frankly doesn’t seem to show any interest in learning how to either.
Now you’re mad at him and he can sense your disapproval. Then he’s discouraged and withholds whatever attempt he might have made because you’ve given up on him.
How do we help them to swim?
What if you threw him a life jacket? The life jacket being unconditional love. Loving him regardless. Yes, it would be great if he could swim without a life jacket, but at least he’s in the damn water, right?
Now you’re free to swim… without the responsibility of teaching him or having him drag you down with him. Yay! But you’ve got to give him the life jacket.
Here’s the thing, women are naturally loving and open with their hearts. The love we give to others is what makes women so special. It’s what draws men to us in the first place. They see us swimming and want to swim too!
Unfortunately, we lose patience with them for taking our love for granted, and what we perceive as them not being willing to try, and so we protect our hearts by closing them. We may feel justified in doing so, but it sets a vicious cycle in motion. One where we don’t feel loved, so we stop giving love… and then they don’t feel loved and don’t express their love… and the cycle begins.
Now nobody’s swimming.
This can be a very difficult cycle to break, especially if each partner is waiting for the other to break it. Which is why us women have to take the initiative and be vulnerable. We need to go in the water first. Men will not do this. We have to lead the way. Invite them into our ocean and show them how great swimming is.
How do we achieve more intimacy?
Let go of resentment
If you’re mad at your partner for whatever reason, let it go. This is not easy to do, but it’s impossible to have intimacy if you’re holding onto anger.
You need to discuss what is bothering you… in order to be heard… and then you need to let go of any expectation that he will change. He will never change because you want him to. Men are stubborn that way. He’ll only change because he wants to and he’ll only be motivated to do that if he feels loved regardless.
Open your heart
When a man feels truly loved and appreciated and welcomed into our hearts and our bodies, his heart will open. If you’re seeking more intimacy, you need to open your heart first.
This requires vulnerability. Being vulnerable to rejection, to disappointment and to pain. But women are better equipped for this and it really is our hearts that men want.
We must open our hearts and be receptive to them. In that space, we give encouragement for them to do the same.
Learn to love your body
This may be the hardest one for many women to do. Unfortunately, if you don’t love your body, sex isn’t as pleasurable and thus less likely to be sought after.
Sex is the best way to experience intimacy.
If you’re avoiding sex because you lack body confidence, then you’re missing out on more than just sex. You’re missing out on the intimacy that you desire.
Sex is the gateway to greater intimacy.
How do we use sex to create more intimacy?
Have more of it
If you’re not having sex, you need to start. Men express intimacy through sex. To expect a man to express intimacy without sex is like expecting him to be a woman. Men are not women, remember? They do things differently than we do.
Plus, sex is fun and highly pleasurable, so why not try to do it his way? His way is pretty good. Just saying.
Sex is important to your relationship. Without it, it’s a just a friendship.
Be present during lovemaking
If you’ve ever had sex out of obligation or just lay there thinking about your other “chores” until it was over or faked an orgasm, then you weren’t being intimate. Instead, you were accommodating, compliant with your own lack of pleasure and not being truthful.
If you’re just going through the motions, then you’re contributing to the lack of intimacy, not him. And he will feel it.
You need to be present. In mind, body and soul.
The best sex happens when you truly open your heart. When you’re present in your body. When you’re connected to your pleasure. It’s not about techniques and positions, it’s about being receptive to him.
Ask for what you want
If you don’t ask for what you want, you likely won’t get it. I’m not talking about asking for intimacy, I’m talking about asking for what you want and don’t want in bed.
If you ask for what you want in a loving way, I think you’ll find that your man is eager to give it to you. In fact, he’s waiting for you to tell him. He wants to please you.
You may think he should know, but he may or may not, and if you aren’t experiencing pleasure in the bedroom, then I’m guessing he doesn’t.
Engage in more kissing
I don’t buy into the whole Pretty Woman theory that kissing is more intimate than sex because sex is the most intimate thing you can do with another person, but I will agree that kissing is very intimate. At least it can be.
For there to be intimacy, there needs to be a physical connection.
Kissing is a great way to connect with each other again… especially if there hasn’t been much sex.
Start there… but realize that kissing is only the appetizer… the sex is the meal.
Photo Credit: stock.adobe.com/ Jacob Lund