If your sex life isn’t great, here are some potential reasons why:
1. You spend too much time on the internet
We’re all guilty of this. But how many hours go by while we read our emails or find out what everyone else is up to on Facebook?
Or maybe your husband spends a lot of time looking at porn? Yes, women look too, but I’m going to argue that it’s not nearly as much as men.
At any rate, all that time spent looking at other “stuff”, is time not invested in your relationship. And time not spent with each other is only creating more distance, instead of the intimacy that you want.
On the subject of porn, I can only say that it creates unrealistic expectations and it removes the focus from your spouse. I’m all for the occasional porn as an erotic device, but more than occasionally, and it’s going to ruin your sex life.
Suggestion: Make a decision not to be online after a certain time each night. And go one step further and insist that laptops and phones are not allowed in the bedroom.
Ask yourself: What could I be doing with my evenings instead?
It doesn’t have to be sex, but it could be. Or it could be getting a better night’s sleep so that you’re not too tired for sex the next day. Whatever it is, keep your bedroom an internet-free zone.
2. You don’t make your sex life a priority
If something is important to you, you’ll make time for it. If it’s not on your TO DO list, it won’t get done… and neither will you!
Suggestion: Schedule sex.
Oh, I know what you’re going to say… “I don’t want to schedule sex. That’s lame.” Perhaps, but having no sex is even lamer. I don’t know if “lamer” is a word, but let’s just pretend it is and that it’s not something to aspire to.
If your goal is to have a great sex life, you need to give it priority. But… in order to say yes to your priorities, you’re going to have to say no to something else.
Ask yourself: What am I willing to give up in order to have a great sex life?
This might not be something that you are eager to deal with right now, but I’m sure a divorce isn’t either. Make your sex life a priority.
3. You expect desire to come naturally
Really?! How’s that working for you?
Do you want to know when desire is spontaneous? When you’re young or in a new relationship. So… if you’re an older woman, in a long-term relationship, you have neither of those going for you. Sorry.
When you’re young, your hormones are driving the bus and when you’re in a new relationship, discovering each other and falling in love, you’re excited about your new passenger on the bus.
But unless you know some way of getting younger, or you’re free to take a new lover, you’re going to have to work at it.
Expecting passion and desire to be spontaneous, is like expecting to look and feel great, without eating properly and exercising.
Good luck with that!
And I don’t say that to be a smart ass, but to bring home the point that anything worth having requires effort. That’s all.
Suggestion: Don’t wait for desire to “happen.” Arousal comes before desire, not the other way around. Take the wheel and increase your own desire.
Ask yourself: What can I do to become more aroused?
4. You aren’t doing anything to make it better
I’m sure you’re busy and you don’t really need more stuff to do. I get that. Unfortunately, things don’t tend to fix themselves. I wish they did, but they don’t, so you need to address the matter.
Suggestion: Stop waiting for a miracle and start doing something to improve it.
Ask yourself: What would make sex better for me?
Do you need more foreplay? Do you want to be kissed? Kissing is a great way to intensify your lovemaking and it can give you the foreplay you desire.
You can’t expect to get what you want if you don’t ask for it. You may think you shouldn’t have to tell him this, but you do, so just accept that.
The sooner you do, the sooner you can get what you want. Try it.
5. You’ve convinced yourself that sex isn’t important
Yep, I saved the best for last. I mean, let’s face it, if sex isn’t all that important, then it doesn’t matter if it’s any good, right?
Let me ask you: Have you ever had a revelation and then wanted to tell everyone about it? Well, I have.
It’s called SEX… and it’s IMPORTANT.
Not only that, but it feels really, really good! In fact, sex can be the most pleasurable thing you’ll ever experience.
If it’s not amazing, then you’re missing out.
Did you used to enjoy sex, but then you got busy with life and kids and the endless chores and responsibilities, and sex got lost in the shuffle?
You miss it, but the longer you go without it, the easier it is to forget about and the harder it is to get back into, right?
You want it back, but it’s been so long that you don’t even know where to start. Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?
Suggestion: I want you to think of a specific occasion, at the start of your relationship, when the sex was TOTALLY AMAZING. I want you to remember EVERY DETAIL about that experience. Where you were. What you were doing. What he was doing.
Ask yourself: How did that make me FEEL?
I want you to remember how good that felt. And then I want you to promise yourself that you’ll do whatever it takes to get yourself back to that.
Sex is an important part of a woman’s overall happiness.
Here’s the thing…
If your sex life isn’t great, you need to stop wishing for it to be better and do something about it!
Get off the internet. Make your sex life a priority. Create your own desire. Do something to make it better.
Convince yourself that your sex life is important.
Because it is!
Photo Credit: shutterstock.com/Ana Blazic Pavlovic
If you’re wondering what else could be impacting your libido and the quality of your sex life, download a free copy of Let’s Talk Libido.