Women would experience far more pleasure and happiness if they were better at asking for what they want and need. Not just in the bedroom, but in all aspects of their lives.
For the purpose of this article, we’re going to look at why woman struggle to ask for what they want… when it comes to sex.
Here are some reasons:
Women don’t embrace their sexuality
Women aren’t taught that they’re sexual and that they have sexual needs. Men, on the other hand, have total sexual freedom. Freedom to want sex, to express sexual desire and to enjoy sex.
Haven’t we all heard that sex is for men? And doesn’t everyone just accept that? We shouldn’t.
Unfortunately, women are bombarded with messages regarding the sexual needs and desires of men but hear very little about their own. Any mention of women who want and enjoy sex are labelled as loose, whores or nymphomaniacs. Not cool.
Suggestion: Consider for a moment that sex isn’t just for men and that women need and deserve sexual pleasure too. Even if you already know this, you may be creating your own resistance by not giving yourself permission to own it. Not only am I am giving you permission to do so, but to “act as if” until you truly embrace it.
Ask yourself: What would a sexually empowered woman want?… and then ask for that!
Many women don’t know what they want
Women are taught, from a very early age, to put the needs of others above their own. In fact, most women believe that doing otherwise would be selfish. As such, any personal want or desire is going to be considered frivolous, indulgent, and possibly morally reprehensible. Given all of that, you’ve likely not spent much time pondering what exactly you want.
Women who devote their energies solely to pleasing others have lost touch with their own pleasure.
That’s why when you ask most women what they want, they’re at a total loss. They have no idea because they barely know themselves. Not enough time spent on exploring their own sexuality means that they don’t actually know what turns them on sexually.
Suggestion: Ask yourself: Have I taken the time to learn about my body and what really gives me pleasure? If not, you have some work to do.
Self-pleasuring is a good start. You can’t ask for what you want if you have no idea what it is. And being able to feel pleasure and reach orgasm on your own, empowers you to feel more confident about asking for it. Plus it will make you feel good!
Low sexual self-esteem
Many women feel confident and capable in other areas of their lives but can suffer from poor sexual self-esteem because they don’t believe themselves to be desirable. If women don’t feel desirable, they will lack desire themselves and not seek pleasure and sexual fulfillment. This low self-esteem can be chronic (due to social conditioning) or be the result of life circumstances such as weight gain, ageing, sexual neglect or a partner’s infidelity.
Feeling sexy and desirable is an attitude. An attitude that states that you are open to giving and receiving pleasure and that you are deserving of it.
Suggestion: Stop buying into societal attitudes and cultural myths about beauty and attractiveness. Trust that you are enough. Stop being so critical of yourself. Love your own body.
Inability to talk about sex
Women have little experience when it comes to discussing sex. Many women were raised in families where sex was not talked about. Sex education, whether it came from your parents or school, is rarely about pleasure and desire, but instead about your period, reproduction and sexually transmitted diseases. There’s no discussion about expressing your wants and needs and so you don’t have the tools to do so.
Communication includes, not only asking for what you want but also being honest about what you don’t want. Instead of talking about sex, women tend to have sex solely to please their partners or they avoid it altogether. But this brings her further away from her own desires and closer to sex being an obligation or a source of stress. Both of these kill passion and sexual enjoyment.
Suggestion: You need to step out of your comfort zone. For sex to be enjoyable, you’re gonna have to talk about it.
Men are not mind-readers and would welcome suggestions. Provide them.
If it makes it any easier for you, then write them on a piece of paper or email them to him. Just do it!
Fear of disappointment or rejection
Some women don’t ask for what they want because they don’t believe their partner can give it to them. This puts him between a rock and a hard place because he will never be able to satisfy her if he isn’t even given the opportunity to do so.
Being vulnerable and admitting you have desires is not easy, but it can be especially difficult if the chances of rejection are high. Better not to ask, then to be refused, right? Well, no. It would be better to be honest and authentic about your needs and desires.
Suggestion: Feel the fear and do it anyways. Accept the reality that any time we ask for something we want, we risk disappointment and rejection. But that doesn’t mean that we never ask.
If you’re the one consistently being turned down, you need to ask what the problem is. It could simply be desire discrepancy, but you need to talk about it…. regardless of who has the higher sex drive.
Fear of hurting their partner
Since a great deal of a man’s confidence and self-esteem is bound to his sexuality, women are understandably skittish about communicating what they like and don’t like. They’re afraid of hurting their feelings or making them feel inadequate by telling them what they really want.
And if you’ve ever faked an orgasm or pretended to enjoy sex when you didn’t, then you have set up a vicious cycle. That’s because men will continue to do what they believe has worked in the past, and if that wasn’t something that gave you pleasure, then you’re stuck.
Suggestion: You need to come clean here. You’ll have to admit that you were less than truthful about it and promise to be honest about it in the future.
His ego will be bruised, but unless you break this cycle, you’re doomed to a sexual relationship that isn’t authentically mutually satisfying. Ultimately, that would be hurting both you AND your partner.
Do yourself a favour and get comfortable with asking for what you want sexually. When you do, you’ll both benefit.
Photo Credit: dreamstime.com/Millafedotova