Women are wonderful daydreamers and their natural tendency towards rumination makes them perfect for creating fantasies. Not to mention that a woman’s daily life is full of opportunities to fantasize. All of those boring chores and repetitive tasks are an ideal time to indulge in fantasy. But what is fantasy?
“A sexual fantasy also called an erotic fantasy, is a mental image or pattern of thought that stirs a person’s sexuality and can create or enhance sexual arousal.” ~ Wikipedia
Let’s focus on those last few words… create and enhance…
The fact that a woman can create or enhance her arousal means that she can manufacture her own pleasure.
And since arousal comes before desire, she can also create her own desire.
This is wonderful news for two types of women:
- Women who suffer from low libido
- Women who have a high libido but suffer from having a partner that doesn’t
The first type of woman can use fantasies to increase her own libido.
The second type of woman can use fantasies as an outlet for sexual expression when her partner is unable or unwilling to have sex with her as much as she’d like.
A woman who is connected to her pleasure knows that a primary goal in her life is to find as much enjoyment as possible.
And fantasies are a definite source of both pleasure and enjoyment.
Unfortunately, many women shy away from using fantasy as a tool in their sex belt.
Some reasons why women avoid having fantasies
Fantasies can create anxiety for both partners. This anxiety might come from the man (due to a fear that her fantasies mean he’s not good enough or able to satisfy her) or from the woman (because she feels as though fantasies are a form of cheating on her partner).
It boils down to guilt around pleasure and the conditions she has placed upon it. Instead of accepting pleasure as it comes, she feels guilty for thinking of anything or anyone other than her husband. But since he doesn’t know what she’s thinking, this is self-imposed guilt. Men fantasize about other women all the time. Even if they did feel guilty about it, it wouldn’t stop them from doing it and it shouldn’t stop you either.
Thoughts come and go. Especially sexual ones. There’s nothing to feel guilty about.
Note: Fantasies can bring you away from the present moment, and for that reason, fantasies about someone or something other than your partner are not ideal during lovemaking. However, if it happens, be okay with it. If you feel you must fantasize in order to get through sex with your partner, you still don’t need to feel guilty about it, but you do need to address why you have to do this.
We don’t choose what turns us on, but we can be shocked at what does. However, fantasies are rarely politically correct, socially acceptable or even realistic. Yet we can be horrified by them because they can be the exact opposite of our morals and beliefs. But this is, of course, why they are fantasies.
Rape fantasies, for instance, are one of the most popular fantasies for women. Let’s be clear, no woman would ever want to be raped. The difference is that rape fantasies tend not to be violent and are focused on the woman’s pleasure as much as the man’s. What makes these types of fantasies so “popular” is due to a woman’s desire to be desired. To feel that a man is so desirous of her that he can’t help himself around her. She wants to feel intensely desired. There’s no shame in that.
There’s also a widely held belief that rape fantasies allow otherwise “pure” women to receive sexual gratification, without the shame of wanting it. The fact that it’s forced upon her means she has no culpability. I don’t feel that this theory is as relevant today as it was in the past, but I believe that it still holds true for some.
Guilt and shame are like a death sentence to your sexuality and your ability to experience pleasure.
You don’t have to fantasize to enjoy a great sex life, but fantasies can add fuel to your sexual fire. ?
Some reasons for having fantasies
- A quick way to increase your libido
- To turn you on and give you pleasure
- A chance to explore your wild side
- To increase passion in your relationship
- To excite you while self-pleasuring
- As a means to increase intimacy (I’ll explain below)
Some different types of fantasies
- sex in a different location
- having sex in front of others
- watching others have sex
- sexual submission
- sexual domination
- oral sex
- anal sex
- sex with a stranger or a group of strangers
- sex with another woman
- forced sex/rape
Even reading that list might turn you on! It does for me!
How to increase your pleasure with fantasies:
Give yourself permission
You need to give yourself permission to want. To own the wanting. To indulge in pleasure.
Women hold themselves back. They sabotage their own pleasure.
Fantasies are a great way to get comfortable with your sexuality. To start feeling desire and to start expressing your sexual needs… if only to yourself.
Fantasies can help you to discover what you want and even how to ask for it.
Watch some porn
Women don’t realize how easily they can be turned on by watching porn.
I’m not an advocate of porn… at least not for men (because it can create unrealistic expectations, cause performance pressure and become an addiction for them), but for women, I make an exception.
Women can be just as visual as men, and porn can give her a mental image that she can replay in her mind… over and over and over again. And since women can self-pleasure and orgasm until the cows come home and not diminish her sex drive, as men can with masturbation, there’s really no downside.
Plus, there’s plenty of porn out there that’s geared towards women. You just need to find what turns you on and then use it to formulate even hotter fantasies.
Reading erotica is fantasizing without having to close your eyes.
The popularity of books such as Fifty Shades of Grey illustrates how much women love reading erotica. It’s an opportunity to escape the drudgery in their lives and live vicariously through the novel’s characters.
Most erotic novels are written by women, for women, so they know exactly what appeals to them and give them what they want. And the great part is that you can find out all sorts of things that you would never have thought turned you on.
Yay! More fantasies to add to your repertoire.
Use them to tap into your hidden desires
Fantasies can be the gateway to accessing your suppressed sexuality.
Women are highly sexual. Women are also divine creators. Creating fantasies is a way to maximize our potential in both areas.
This is something we can do ourselves… as a means of taking responsibility for our own pleasure.
Sometimes inspiration can come from past experiences. An excellent way to elicit arousal is to think about a time from your past when you were really turned on.
What was it about that particular sexual encounter that excited you? THAT’s what you need to think about. THAT’s what you need to replay over in your head.
You may not be able to re-enact it in real life again, but you can certainly do so in your imagination.
Use them to create intimacy with your partner
Sharing a fantasy can bring you closer together.
You don’t have to act it out… but simply share it. It’s the act of sharing, that provides the intimacy.
When you share your fantasies, you’re being vulnerable. This vulnerability is what creates more intimacy.
Fantasies are not usually meant to be acted upon. Once played out, they may lose some of their appeal… because they can’t compete with your imagination.
But sharing them in words, rather than deeds, can be the perfect way to have your cake and eat it too!
You can tell your partner what turns you on in person, in a letter or an email, or by reading a fantasy you like from a book. The latter is the best way to gauge whether your fantasy is accepted, without totally putting yourself out there. It’s also a way to confirm if it’s a turn on for him… especially if it gets him aroused when he wasn’t already. But you won’t know until you do it.
Yes, there’s the risk of your fantasy being rejected, but there’s also the chance to really connect and experience deeper pleasure together.
What I know for sure, is that women could stand to do a lot more fantasizing.
Allow your imagination to fuel your desire because a “turned on” woman is the sexiest thing ever!
If you want to share your fantasy, I’d love for you to do so. It’s COMPLETELY ANONYMOUS. I want to create a book of fantasies to share… so that all women can enjoy.
Photo Credit: stock.adobe.com/ konradbak